A monument to the Equal Rights Act

Monuments denote a time in history when something important happened—a tragedy, a war. They may also commemorate a person—likely a white man—who did something “heroic.” While monuments most often look to the past, they rarely, if ever, commemorate something we are striving for, something that may happen in the future, or a world we want to create.

What if there’s a monument that holds the past, present, and future at once? This idea has battled for legitimacy for centuries, and without it, the future we desire—one without violence, one with equity, equality, and peace—cannot exist.
The Equal Rights Act (the ERA), a beacon of hope for equality, was first introduced by Alice Paul and Crystal Eastman in 1923. Yet, it remains a distant dream, not yet enshrined in law. This ongoing struggle for its passage is a stark reminder of the injustices that persist.

How do we represent the past, present, and future of our equality (or current lack thereof)
I keep thinking each state is represented by a something- a brick, a rock, something heavy, only to be moved with excellent coordination of multiple hands… or something that cannot be held, something abstract like water, or something that perpetually changes shape? I want the object to represent how this is ever-changing depending on who is in office (really in state houses that haven’t ratified the ERA), the balance of men and women, republicans and Democrats…. Monuments are often static representations of the past. How do I create a space/object that activates the present to transform the future? A form of communication, a demand, along with that can be easily shared and disseminated like a women’s journal. I still like this idea.

Because it is a “temporary” monument, I’m wondering how to show the change that is needed to make it a reality- there needs to be some tool that allows people to call representatives offices and demand that it get passed- because those people who have yet to pass this in the state houses of NC, SC, LA, AL, MO, AR, UT, OK, AR, GA, MI, FL are actually infringing on the rights of women and non-binary people ALL OVER the country.

So what does it look like—a brick wall made of bricks representing all 50 states? The bricks of the 12 states listed above block a perceived doorway that has not yet been passed in their state houses. Just as we cannot yet pass through the threshold of equality…. this doorway is imaginable; one can see it can understand that it exists but is still not accessible.
Is it a series of hourglasses? An obvious representation of the “idealized” female form, one that has been shaped by men’s preferences, expectations, and manipulations? How long do they run for? How are they flipped? Are they stacked? In a line? What does the sense of time relay to the viewer? Is there a way for the sand to be pulled upwards instead of down with gravity? I'm not sure why that’s interesting, but it's an inversion of sorts, perhaps.

There is also something called a water clock- it is the oldest tool for measuring time- originally called a clepsydra. Water is obviously also a reference to women, tidal, lunar, life-giving.

Un/De/ANti Monument

So Boston put out a call for temporary public “monuments” or interventions, or murals, or AR projects to reflect on Boston’s current monuments- and what’s there, missing, or ignored. I have some thoughts, have done some research and it’s a quick turn around- need the proposal done by the 23rd of April. So fast.
So some initial thoughts-

1. Elizabeth Shields- ancestor- convinced the commander-in-chief of the British armed forces on May 27, 1775 to let her cross the immigration lines after taking the trip with 60 others from Scotland. No one else made it across- they either had to enlist in the British Army (the Battle of Bunker Hill happened June 17th), detour to Nova Scotia, or go back to Scotland.
So, how did she do it? After scouring the internet, I found nothing. So, telling her story, as a descent of hers, perhaps to inspire future women staring down men in positions to abuse their power, I feel I have a lot of leeway so tell it through the lense of the world I want to live in, one I am working to create, one she helped create by her defiance over 250 years ago.
How to tell this story? How to engage others to share their visions of a future (or a present) where we all have the chutzpah to not take no for an answer? To get what we want, to be free, to be autonomous, to break norms that require shattering? I feel like developing new words like I did for A Latent Luster could be juicy here somehow

An Aside
I want to make a thing. Yes engagement is necessary, but I want to physically make art- not just do community organizing- ideally I’d like to pay someone else to do that part- someone who is actually good at and enjoys that. My urge is to make a big thing, monumental if you will… I know how to and enjoy working in large formats, this is an obvious opportunity to do that. It’s also an opportunity to do something three dimensional which is a MUST if I’m ever gonna get a commission for something other than a mural…. which brings me to Bunker Hill

Considering E Shield’s adjacent win over Gen Gage to Bunker Hill- I like the idea of engaging with this monument- which is a monument to war and conquest- but also freedom from autocracy (to a point), a win for rebels, autonomy. It’s a HUGE obelisk. Built in 1843- it’s a 221’ tall phallus. It’s on Breed’s Hill, not Bunker Hill, there’s a museum across the street…. The soldiers actually built a small “earthen fort”- or a redoubt here- the Brits won this battle, but not the war. 450 colonists were killed and retreated, but the Brits lost 1150 soldiers that day. It is accessible for wheelchairs at one entrance.
So- how to honor nonviolence (the Kings??) equality, autonomy, and the transformation that feminism has and will continue to bring us at such a site? I keep thinking about the Earthen Fort- feels feminine.

How to honor the unknown story of how my ancestor pushed her way through the immigration lines, defied all expectations, and made her way into the country? How to tell the stories we don’t have the details to, but without them we wouldn’t even exist?

IDEAS

• Go Christo Jean Claude style and cover the whole thing…. AIDS quilt style- get Julie Rhoads on board- and make it a project where people from all over the country knit or quilt a story of woman or non-binary person that made a difference, that would otherwise never be memorialized or Monumentalized. How to modernize this? A quilt of this size would be heavy and require a structure to hold it around the monument. The monument’s surface area from bottom to top and all four sides is roughly 10,471 sq. ft. CJC used polyproplene “fabric” that was recyclable. It needs to be light-weight, and able to be printed on at a massive scale. That would be exorbitantly expensive to print ……. and be well above the max funding of $100k. I don’t want to have to fundraise. I want to get paid well and do the thing. Not also be an Executive Director of my own non non-profit- CJC raised $14 million to cover L’Arc de Triophe…… so yeah maybe not. Maybe they are banners dropped down from the windows at the top? Or Janet Echelman-esque feminine fibers flow or extend out from the windows…. ? Something like Doris Salcedo’s Sumando Ausencias?

• Is it a projection project? Much like Krzysztof Wodiczko’s 1998 “Bunker Hill” neighbors of the park discuss their loved ones lost to “street violence”… people sharing the powerful stories of the women in their lives- maybe Boston specific? Maybe national? Maybe stories are collected during the truck tour in 2024 with PES? The oral histories are then made into a journal, a book, forever documenting stories of women and NB folx who persevered in the face of patriarchal systems. Stories from the past, present, and future. The stories, the words are projected onto the monument, with loudspeakers also sharing the stories so that it is accessible for those with sight or hearing challenges. Maybe this ties into #2 below somehow…. I still need to MAKE SOMETHING
  

• Other ways to engage with the site? It has a formidable shadow it casts on the green space around it. There is significant green space to do something at the site… In the Shadow of War…..? It’s a 221’ sundial.
  

2. The Women’s Journal- the first and most well known Suffragist journal in America was based out of Boston and ran from 1870-1917 (when it merged with another publication)- run by Lucy Stone (memorialized in “Boston’s Women Memorial), her husband something Blackstone, and their daughter.
IDEA
- Considering women’s rights are currently being eviscerated (tho not in boston) an intervention of some kind- printing new journals, engaging students (maybe at Emory’s journalism dept), posting an open call for letters, poems etc. Use the printing as an opportunity for radical discussions around our rights. Was thinking publish one journal a week for six weeks- maybe in the summer? Host talks with the authors, focus on bodily autonomy, give the papers out for free and leave lots at women’s shelters, CRJ, re-entry facilities, partner with Esta on programming for men and boys? Is there a physical space? The Journal’s original location was at 3 Tremont Place right by the Commons. Somehow engage that public space, or one nearby. Create a very feminine structure to hand out papers/journals and do pop-ups around the city in different neighborhoods?
- Other interventions around feminism: Offering resources, information, a massive tampon dispenser



3. A Very Different Idea- Do multiple different pop-ups/installations/interventions at different locations around the city to monumentalize different women, NB ppl of Boston. Almost like Banksy’s “NYC Residency” make it a bit like a treasure hunt- a new one each day for thirty days

• Honor a different woman each day… this is a good resource for options- like:

  • Roberta Gibb who hid in the bushes before the Boston Marathon in 1966 and jumped in the race bc women weren’t allow to run. (She has already made a sculpture of herself which is near the starting line of the Boston Marathon)

  • Or Katherine Switzer who registered in 1967 (but didn’t mention she was a woman) and ran though people tried to remove her…

  • Zepporah Potter Atkins with a house on the greenway with people that tell her story

  • Melnea A. Cass- an African American woman who fearlessly fought for her community the “First Lady of Roxbury”

  • Jennie Loitman Barron- first woman judge in MA (1934)- fought for equality, got women the right to serve on juries in MA

  • Ellen Craft- dressed and passed as a white man, and she and her husband escaped slavery and made it to Boston from Georgia

  • Josephine Ruffin- advocate for racial and gender equality- found the Women’s Era Club

  • Maria Stewart- first American born women to speak in public- advocated for womens rights and for racial equality (she was black)

  • Myrna Vasquez- created a shelter for spanish-speaking women and children in the south end

  • Phillis Wheatley- first black person to publish a book in the US- born in Africa

• Respond to all the headless nude female body sculptures around the city (Double Boston Venus) with heads of men on the ground, or headless male bodies…..

• Do interventions to feminize the city, like create corridors of supportive volunteers who instead of catcalling say wonderful, kind things to women and NB people as they walk down the street, Feminist Guardian Angel Crews,

• Random acts of Kindness- a physical/real life version of the empathy bots- each day something new- small gifts to people in the park etc.

4. A monument to the Future We Envision- Create a space where people can write down their visions of a future without violence, where autonomy is the norm not the exception. Maybe it’s a house-like structure by the plaque for Zepporah Potter Atkins- then we make a book or a newspaper out of the ideas and distribute it? Or have statements sky-written? Maybe we hold workshops there with Futures? They technically have an office in Boston so there’s likely a presence of some kind. I did a version of this in 2018 in Detroit called Never Again is Now- people were asked to leave notes for ppl in detention facilities along the southern border. I used emergency blankets and lined the walls with them.

5. A Monument to Healing & a Violence-Free Future- A Kind Word II- create a welcoming, safe space in a public park furnished with calming scents, healing frequencies/sound baths- and kind statements washing over the audible space. It’s soft (but cleanable) and comfortable. There are printed versions of the statements for those with hearing issues. Not specifically focused on sexual violence, but informed by all of the work we have already done with this community, the space will be run by social workers/volunteers as a care space. Printed resource lists will be available to take away. Maybe we can finally work with MASS on a design? Either needs to have security at night/needs to be able to be locked/or it needs to be broken down each evening (not ideal). Space can hold 10-20 ppl? Footprint no more than 350-400 sq ft. Maybe we can partner with CRJ (from See Her project) for support staff.

6. A Not-So-Little Library- partner with MASS to design a sick outdoor library for a park space. Fill it with banned books, feminist, abolition, gender affirming books, Noam Chomsky, other brilliant Bostonians, braille and other accessible options. Use the Dorothy Porter system. Partner with others to get free books…. books would be given away- maybe it pops up into different neighborhoods throughout the city. Would be a lot of moving heavy things all over the place- so maybe just one central location is great. Ha!
Use it as the launching space for the People’s Journal (an updated version of the Women’s Journal)
Knowledge is how we create the future we envision.

_____________________________________

WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY

WHO DO I WANT TO CREATE FOR? OR WHO DO I WANT TO CREATE A PIECE ABOUT?

• I want to inspire women and Non-binary people to defiantly embody our power, our true selves

• I want to offer visibility to the women and non-binary folks of Boston who have profoundly impacted others (or will in the future)

• I want to respond to the lack of monumentalization of women and non-binary people, the lack of monumentalization to peace, care, and feminism, the lack of monuments to the future

• I want to address the war on women and trans people (bodily autonomy in forms of violence, health care etc.)

• I want to honor not just one or two actual women, but dozens. I want to “balance” the imbalance of representation- not only in regards to gender, but in regards to care vs. war, community vs. conquest, warmth vs. stone

• I want a dimensional discussion- not a one-liner, not a statement, but an opening for people to really reconsider how they exist in the world, how they treat each other.
  
  WHAT DO I WANT TO PHYSICALLY CREATE?

• Something that stops people in their tracks

• Something involving light

• Something that is suspended/defies gravity or hangs OR creates a space

• Something that exudes peace, joy, comfort

• Something colorful- something that engages the location specific to the time of year it is installed

• Something that is repetitive or has multiples

• Largeish Scale three dimensional work
  

  WHERE DO I WANT THE PIECE TO LIVE?

• a place (or places) very accessible to all Bostonians
  
  WHAT MATERIALS/QUALITIES FEEL IMPORTANT?
  - lightweight

• fabric

• socially-engaged

• contributions of others

• natural materials
  
  WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT TO DO?

• I have no fucking idea.

before and after

Here’s a little experiment. Gonna write half of this before my workout and the other afterwards and see if there is a change in tone etc.

I’m finding consistently working out is really helping my mood. I get so easily depressed if I don’t work out. That means getting on the bike or yoga etc. While working at the Guild easily adds 4 miles of walking to my day, its not a sustained effort and doesn’t bring on the endorphins I need to work out all of depression from my cells. I’m not as motivated to get on the bike as I’d like to be, it takes some coaxing to get me out of bed for one, dressed and in the living room. It then takes me another 20-30 minutes to begrudgingly get on the bike. I know if I don’t have my phone by the bed my mornings are very different. I’m not setting up my day to be in a mental scroll where I get nothing done. I really need to plug it in in the bathroom or even the kitchen so it’s just not accessible. It’s a weird addiction that I get little to no pleasure from- maybe it’s a bad habit, not an addiction.

Something that Jess and I spoke about yesterday was “what will it take to fundamentally feel good enough?” as a human, and then as an artist. It’s seems like a silly thing to even have to grapple with. But many woman I know are perpetually managing the dichotomy of feeling worthless and trapped and misunderstood, and angry, and exhausted from all of that.
I know the “right answer” is I’m already enough, but I don’t know how to embody that and truly feel it. I know there’s a parallel between this challenge and the past self who spoke horribly to herself, demeaning her, calling her stupid out loud, constantly berating her. I used to do that all of the time. I told myself that if I didn’t I would lose my “edge,” my ability to see my faults and do something about them. Obviously it took me a while to realize that wasn’t true. I’ve chilled out a lot, maybe too much, in terms of being a capitalist work horse who never rested and never took care of her emotional self. Am I happier? I don’t know, I’m definitely less on edge and nicer to everyone around me, including myself. Less rigid. The drugs definitely help.
The whole fake it till you make it mentally I feel can be replaced with be nice to yourself until you believe it. Sounds way easier than it is to actually do that though.
K- am gonna work out. lets see what happens.

Ok- post workout. Hmm. Also post many other things. I woke up this am and opened windows and a door in our bedroom. Its breezy today, not hot and muggy like it has been. It was really lovely just to be in bed, feeling the breeze, watching the trees sway, and hearing the birds chirp. The nature that surrounds us is incredible and it makes me so happy. I know there’s something about gratitude that helps ppl feel better about their lives, it just feels so…. again…. fake. fake it til you make it. It’s not that I’m not grateful for this magically place we live, I am, but spending time being grateful, or a gratitude journal has always seemed weird to me. Is gratitude just a deeper sense of joy? Who am I grateful to? Rich, the planet? I don’t really get it. I have a hard time allowing myself to let go and feel joy, excitement, accomplishment, or pride. Nature brings out the joy without me having to think about it. The little birds on the feeder, the foxes rolling around in the backyard, a deer in the driveway as I come home from work. Where is the break between the one-antlered deer and completing a massive mural? I see all the things I did wrong with my work, it took too long, I don’t like the final composition etc…. the deer owes nothing to no one. Is this even a fair comparison? Why is joy missing out of my life when it comes to ME? Why can’t I take a moment to feel proud, to BE HAPPY when looking at my accomplishments, or not even accomplishments, just being me? Is it about not being present in the moment? Maybe. maybe.
I was also raised to be modest…. girls and modesty. Gross, talk about a societal construct to keep us needing permissions to fucking achieve anything. But honestly I never pushed back on that because from early I already thought I was part of why my parents broke up, or really that I wasn’t enough to keep them together. There it is. I wasn’t enough.
I am not enough is literally what my emotional, personal, and mental foundation was poured with. Not enough soup. Not enough mix. That became the floor that I stand on. The shitty cracked concrete that heaves when it freezes too hard, and allows the cracks to seep in. It’s why I dated Sid for 5 years. My self-esteem has been in the fucking toilet MY WHOLE LIFE. I’m never thin enough, smart enough, talented enough, working hard enough, beautiful enough, rich enough. People-pleasing and desperate for love since the get. I was boy crazy before I was 6. Constantly trying to mold myself into whatever I thought some stupid boy wanted. FOR DECADES. It’s horrifying when I look back at my former self. I even do it now, though not as much, but it’s still there, very much there. How am I eight years into a relationship and still trying to pretend to be a perfect version of myself that Rich doesn’t even notice? LOL. I twist myself into pretzels he doesn’t even know exist. It’s one thing to say just be yourself- it’s another to unlearn the decades of perpetually changing the goal posts because I only learned how to mimic… not sure if mimic is the right word, but I have always tried to fit into a box that I think someone else already sees me in, or wants me to be in? Why the fuck am I trying to fit into boxes that other people make? I’ve spent my life living and working outside the proverbial box.

That cardboard box still haunts me. During the divorce I was like 6ish (?) and there was a cardboard box that I had in my bedroom. I got into it and sat there for what seemed hours (it was probably minutes) trying to commit suicide by suffocating myself. I attempted suicide at 6. Thats some dark shit to mix into one’s foundation.

So, aside aside, I get so confused when I try to reconsider and rewrite the narrative of my standards, my understanding of what is good enough, how I feel good enough. I’m so terrified of mediocrity that enough just feels like a easy out. A way to just give up.

What are MY STANDARDS?
I think I first need to become constantly aware of my needs. I always think about and care for others first. I don’t actually need a lot, but that thinking is also based on years of making myself small.
I could go in circles on this forever. The standards seem to slip my mind because I haven’t written them down. That’s for the next episode. When I know my standards, that will help me move towards understanding how to feel good enough. I think. If not, it’s a good exercise anyway. Till then….

Medusa's story is so loaded.

Sooo Medusa. Turns out the reason she was a monster [looking at her face would turn a man to stone in Ancient Greek mythology] was because she was raped by Poseidon. She was turned to a beast because she was raped. Pretty classic patriarchal narrative. And the good hero Perseus is aided by Athena (the goddess of war and wisdom?) to behead her… Alas, she is pregnant with twins- Pegasus (a winged-horse) and Chrysaor (a giant with a golden sword)…. and they both spring from her neck.

Medusa, is the allegorical representation of a raped woman. Some narratives have her as a beautiful woman among her Gorgon family (all beasts apparently except for her). Because she was raped in Athena’s temple by Poseidon (sacrilegious!) Athena turns her into a beast with snakes as hair and so horrid looking that anyone who lays eyes on her turns to stone.
Poseidon was an olympian presiding over the sea, storms, earthquakes, and horses. His brother Zeus, ruled the skies, his other brother Hades ruled the underworld, and he the ocean when their father Cronus was overthrown…. so ya know classic Power Family….

It’s the ultimate and perhaps ORIGINAL victim blaming narrative. A “man” of great power, from a powerful family, rapes a woman and the powerful goddess whose house he uses to do such a horrid thing freaks out and turns medusa in a monster. Not supporting her but damning and blaming her. Athena is valorized in the mythologies as a warrior for good, wisdom, and handicraft. She often wears a helmet and carries a spear. She is depicted by owls, olive trees, snakes and the Gorgoneion (a protective amulet to turn away evil forces…) See below… so she wears the image of the thing she created as a means to repel it? IDFK.

Gorgoneion on the Tondo of an Ancient Greek Attic black-figure cup, end of sixth century BC - Cabinet des médailles de la Bibliothèque nationale de France, Paris, France.

Anyway- I bring all this up because a fabulously preserved mosaic of Medusa was uncovered recently in Spain and it got me thinking about how loaded this allegory actually is.

She gets turned into an “untouchable” by a woman who perpetuates patriarchal power, narratives, and systems- war etc. This untouchableness is her only defense from this happening again. Looking at her alone kills men (and women too?) by turning them into stone. So she is banished. When she’s beheaded her family sings songs of sorrow so powerful that Athena (the bitch that did this to her in the first place) creates a flute to mimic the beauty of their sorrow. Shit’s so complicated.

Medusa has been used as a symbol for feminism for decades. I need to do some more research, but I love this as a subject matter…. especially bc the art market is always so obsessed with subjective work that I have yet to focus on…. the snakes are mazes…. they are what we fight with and against.
She could be woven, CNC cut, medallions to keep us safe from patriarchal constructs and violence…. I could slip cast them out of clay or porcelain. Hang them on doors, necklaces, to ward off patriarchal violence… .

Ok- i have to go apply to jobs that have nothing to do with this…. JOy.

Now what?

I’m nearly 2 months out of completing my MFA at RISD. It feels like a lifetime ago, probably because it was just a very different life. I had a structure to my day. A place to be at a specific time that was non-negotiable. I think that structure was really helpful for my mental health, as well as my productivity. Now I work out- which wow is fucking NECESSARY for my mental health, and then squander my days looking for jobs I don’t want for less money than I want, often in a city I don’t live in. I get zero responses. And after several rejections from projects I thought the monument was great for- I’m so tired of rejection. I don’t usually take public art call rejections personally but these last two really stung. I’m taking a step back from the monument for a minute even though I have a research grant I received for it… I’m not sure what to do about all of that. It’s just so much work for very little in return.

So what am I doing? Am I still an artist if I really don’t want to make anything? I haven’t been making studio work for years, and tbh nothing is exciting right now. I have ideas I like, but the actual making of them just feels like a chore, not an opportunity for exploration and expression. The monument was more like 2.5 years of running a non-profit that everyone was too scared to support bc of it’s context. What’s worse than running a non-profit? Paying to run a non-profit and getting no results.

As for being an artist, I realize I don’t really have “a process” that I enjoy. Currently it’s come up with a cool idea, be excited during that period, then produce it- and feel little to no joy in the process or with it’s completion. I always view it as “WORK”. I mean why be a penniless artist if I don’t truly enjoy what I do? Especially when sales aren’t promised? That begs the horrible question I haven’t been able to answer yet- which is what do I actually enjoy doing?

Sam is encouraging me to “play”…. I know this sounds dramatic but wtf does that even mean? I don’t know what material I even want to work with, aside from I need it to be analog. I’ve been needlepointing, an ode to Grandma Lewis whom I don’t remember needlepointing but she definitely gifted us pillows and dolls and things. I need to figure out what feels good to do. I was looking into looms, something about creating soft things, repetition, and embracing ‘feminine’ making feels important.
I also have always been drawn to color- buying multiple cans of the same color because it just excited me back in my spray paint days…. deeply saturated, fluorescent colors, paired with nuanced pastels feels powerful and exciting.
Also non-violent materials as much as possible are important. So natural materials- wood, paper, vegetable dyes, dried plants etc. I don’t want to cause harm. Our world is so fragile and it’s easy to not think about the impacts our material choices have… reused materials, trash, dump salvage.

I’ve been thinking about dump hunting in Duluth for ‘Bob Lewis Olds Mazda’ old cars. Probably looking for needles in a haystacks, and what would I do with them—- no idea, but I think it would be cathartic to do something with those rotting, “forever chemicals” hunks of steel and aluminum. Beat the fuck out of them and turn them into something useful or caring or beneficial for others. I’ve always thought it would be a great collaboration between me and the siblings one day. http://www.chesneyautosalvage.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi

This is an auto salvage spot in Duluth that has a really strong online inventory of what they have. Kinda of a pain to search but they have some elements I’m looking for- and they’re cheap as one might expect. Maybe I take some time in MN and use Martin’s garage to make some works. Erm, maybe not. Maybe they need to be brought out here so I don’t devolve into that small person I work so hard to shake off. That town is hyper-loaded with emotions for me- both Dad and Martin were tough guys to grow up with as father figures. Martin continues to be emotionally abusive. At least Dad has evolved out of that part of himself (for the most part), though there’s a lot of shame and guilt he carries. It would be interesting to use those materials in reflection of his growth, not just as an outlet of my enduring rage, loss, and profoundly foundational sorrow.
I know my process has been very research heavy, but I’d also like it to be very much creating without an expected exact final result. I want to have my emotions be present when I’m physically interacting/creating the work- so those guide my movements, decisions, and aesthetics.

I now want to show up in my work. Which is a wild thing to feel. I have turned the corner on just caring for others and the rest of the world- excluding myself from this care. I just can’t do it anymore. I thought I had the stamina to do it forever. Turns out that dwindles when you spend over a decade putting yourself last. Fuck a decade, try four. Society teaches women (and some men) to put everyone else’s needs first. It was absolutely (and still is) modeled by my mother. Spending your whole life ignoring your own needs makes for one miserable existence. It’s taken me 40 years to figure this out- damn the patriarchal systems are POWERFUL. It took me 30 years to realize other women are wonderful and a huge part of what makes me joyful. That’s horrifying.
The works don’t need to be political statements- I’d prefer them to be explorations of my healing processes, catharsis, and tools to facilitate the release of the people pleasing little kid, the human who walks on eggshells, the woman who disengages with most men, the person who is concurrently afraid of, and disdains men in positions of power. I’m ready for the woman who is brazenly herself in all company, sees eye to eye with men in positions of power, who knows and demands her value and worth in all circumstances and circles. Perhaps these are profound political statements because I am using them to shake off, expel, the invisible elephantine powers that have smothered and suffocated me (in that cardboard box), my light, power, creativity, and rage for 41 years. I am taking gas-guzzling hunks of the past (representations of my father’s ego, capitalism, greed, and American exceptionalism, and adultery) to create representations of the future I envision that is free of the layers upon layers of misogyny, blind patriarchal compliance, ego and selfishness. That is the foundation I was raised upon. Like layers of earth that tell the planet’s past stories (sorry no history here) what I add to the layers is important. What is the contribution I offer to humanity’s layers of life, and story and evolution? What grows from these toxic layers, how can I transform toxins into autonomy, joy, health, care, and community? Like Charlie mentioned- it is an alchemistic process. Transforming pain and devastation into care, joy, and confidence. Yeah, confidence. That one is important.

When in Doubt- write

Whenever I’m stuck (which is now) I find that free writing helps me work stuff out. answer questions and helps me outta the mud I make for myself.
Yesterday had a good but tough chat with Allie about the thesis piece. I have always had in mind the “monument” whatever that means, but a work meant to be engaged with outside, likely in a natural setting, in a specific community where the healing sessions happened…. addressing the issue of eradicating violence through kindness and creating a (sense) of camaraderie and witness for the participant.
The challenge has been that I hate everything I’m making. I’m trying different forms, different materials, different structures… Prototype after prototype I’m meh about everything. I have a reason to dislike each approach….. in one way or another nothing “solves” the problem I am considering. Not that an object can do such a thing (can it?) but I really just want to create a space that facilitates healing through crowd-sourced unconditional love…
But I’ve been developing a piece that wants to live outside, but is going to be shown inside. In a convention center with tons of other work, sounds, bright lights, a busyness to it.
I need to be designing for the space I’m showing it in, even though most other people’s work are not addressing such things. So realistically an INSIDE work rather than an OUTSIDE work.
Also, I want this to be able to flat pack, ship inexpensively so it can be shown and offered to different cities, communities etc with as little capital bureaucracy as possible. So lightweight materials, easy to build and break down.

Allie mentioned that monuments typically don’t invoke a sense of calm, support, healing…. theyre made of colossal sizes, hard durable surfaces that can feel cold and impersonal. This is something I’ve been hitting up against since the beginning.
The whole point has been to challenge the concept of monuments, who they are for, who they honor, how they exist in the world. This work is to honor those whose stories are rarely told, whose scars lay hidden for their entirety, whose wounds can be triggered by nearly anything. These stories are the stories of survivors, of people who carry experiences of the most egregious forms of violation, abuse, and psychological warfare. It is a monument to their strength and courage to go on, to perhaps do repair work for themselves as terrifying as it can be. A monument to their knowledge of their worth, however liquidated it has become.

So what’s important?
The sound- the participant needs to feel like the words are being directed towards them and not just in a general sense of people saying nice things. I feel I can accomplish this with strong sound design as well as offering the space as an individual experience. Other people can disrupt one’s train of thought, make them feel like they need to “move along” etc. So having the space to one’s self feels imperative.

Id like people to walk away with a stronger sense of self worth, feeling less alone knowing others have also gone through life-altering challenges, that they are part of a massive group who supports them, and if they so choose, they can contribute to this chorus of voices.

I’ve been thinking about the experience from start to finish in concurrence with our five senses.
A bit of a timeline
There is an advocate attending the piece at all times. Before people enter they are given a holy basil leaf to chew on (known to lower cortisol levels, expand blood vessels) OR an option to receive essential oils on their wrists/temples etc. This is all facilitated by the advocate.
The advocate also acts as the protector of the space. They only allow 1 person in at a time, unless it’s a pair that wants to go in together, but they will convey its intended to be an individual experience. (Shoes off?) This protection is important so that a person’s experience in receiving this kindness is not interrupted by a stranger which can disrupt the energy of the space, a sense of safety, of peace, of receiving.
Within the space (shape- spherical in someway, material TBD) the participant is gently flooded with kind statements from imbedded speakers in the walls/structure. There is a place to sit, lay or otherwise be comfortable. If there is no essential oil offered before entrance I feel some scent needs to be present in the space- lemon, lavender, vetiver, rosemary, jasmine all come to mind. A blend perhaps…. Each scent has different healing qualities and this can be researched.
The space itself needs to be soft, warm, easy. Dim lights create a sense of calm but not such darkness that its scary or confusing. But the fluorescent lights of the convention center need to be diffused or eliminated. I want it to be accessible by anyone- so wheelchairs, need to be able to move freely, and there should also be a space for resting in some manner.
The sound should be subtle but legible. Perhaps theres a calming undertone that is constant.
The participant stays within the space as long as they want. This can be mentioned by the advocate, to take one’s time.

Ideally but not necessary I would like an entrance and a separate exit so there is an obvious delineation of a journey from one point to another. There’s a shift, a physical transition made. When the visitor comes out of the space the advocate greets them, guides them to a bench to put their shoes on (which have been moved by the advocate during their time within the space) and offered either a drink of water, or a gift of some kind. They will also be presented with a card to call the number or participate on the website to contribute to the piece. (This is also good promotional tool)
I feel with this element the statements and thus the work will get stronger and more supportive over time. It is a “living being/collaboration” that is perpetually being changed by those who want to engage with it. It will live continually on the website.

Elements I believe can evoke the emotional state of feeling supported, understood, part of a group, embraced/held/loved, and potentially enter a healing process are listed below by sense.

Tactile
Smooth, soft fabrics, physically supportive, comfortable, soft, round, welcoming

Audible
voices over tonal sounds to ground, soothing, kind

Sights
soft, warm light
soothing colors- neutrals perhaps with a pop of color- (orange?)
soft textures

Taste
Holy Basil
lemon water

Scent
Citrus- Lemon-lemon balm, jasmine, rosemary, lavender, eucalyptus, peppermint oil, sweet basil,
Thought to weave dried lavender stems within the space- perhaps that’s the gift? A sprig of dried lavender.

Shapes of spaces that evoke these emotional opportunities
spheres, cylinders, tents, caves, coves, cups/mugs, cocoons, pods, curves

I did some research of artists doing healing work, the architecture of healing spaces, and working with non-violent materials. A design element that I keep coming back to is parametric design. It feels more natural, welcoming, and responsive. It also looks stunning. How does this serve the purpose of the work? It can be used to seamlessly guide people to rest, sit, or be still- it can be used to convey ideas through simple materials and simple stacking.

Above are some visual inspirations from my research. Most come from the Japanese architect Kengo Kuma. The white tea house is made of woven vulcanized paper, the other white structure is made of stacked corrugated plastic sheets, it’s so stunning. Then there’s the inflatable one! So crazy. Not sure how to keep it inflated without blowers going all the time (apparently seamless seams!) And can we talk about that sick sauna? Id like to live in there please. That space and how people are guided in is so simple and effective, and obviously rooted in nature. I keep coming back to the Fibonacci Sequence (golden section spiral), fractals.
One of the elements that kept showing up with the exercise Allie offered was nature. Spaces where I’ve felt the most (insert emotion feeling here)…… supported, seen, cared for etc. Almost all of them incorporate nature. Water is a big element- I’m not gonna bring water into this work- maybe another time- but grass, sunshine, the smell of wood, the smell of the sea, the negative ions of the ocean, the care in bath time as a child…..

I have my first meeting with Mark Mascone (MFA show curator) next Thursday so I need to have a plan/proposal by then. Looks like it will be a long week, but I’m excited to keep digging. Of course I just wanna look at materials, but I’ll stay focused on further developing the experience I want to create and allow it to guide the shape and elements of the space. I have 12’x12’ to make this happen. I think I can do it.

tests, brainstorming and Elongated Hexes

Cut out a bunch of 14x7.5 hexes to see if I liked the shape better. I do, but I’m concerned they’re less stable? Nothing is really stable at .05” thick…. but like a house of cards I tried to curve the base (that definitely wasn’t wide enough yet) and the whole thing came tumbling over…. Obviously I need to work out the base, but I think for the time being a channel is going to be the easiest way to do rapid prototyping to see if things are structurally sound.

I’m also tempted to try doing rows of elongated intermixed with the 7” hexes to see. Or perhaps they get smaller as it gets taller might create an interesting illusion- makes me think of Martin Puryear’s ladders….

I confirmed that there are a bunch of felt samples coming from Filzfelt… free of charge! The 8mm and 10mm will be small samples, but I think the 5mm sample will be large enough for me to see if they can maintain their shape while stacking.

Will also prototype a lenticular concept with the 1,000 coffee stir sticks I have to see if that’s interesting before I go full scale on that. Likely a 1:24 scale.

Not my best photography…. but I prefer this to the smaller ones I think….

Thesis Baby

So I spent a good chunk of my time since the Fall semester ended racking my brain about how to build the monument. I protoyped a fuck ton of cardboard curves to see what worked, and none of them did. They all looked like some sort of garden trellis…. and if one more person tells me to grow plants on the monument….. and the shape just feels very expected and boring somehow? Idk

So I went back to the drawing board and examined the problems I’m trying to solve
- this is a traveling version of the monument to live inside, materials should reflect that
- I want this to be easy to ship and assemble. No massive crates- so it needs to flat pack.
- I want this to be made as non-violently as possible- so no plastic, steel, toxic shit
- I want the space to feel inviting but not claustrophobic, I want the sound to be central to the experience, which means I need to be able to block out other noise (convention center is gonna be loud)
- this is a tool for healing all of the elements need to support that concept and reality

I was bartending that evening and took out some trash at the end of the night- namely a wine box with its bottle dividers…. I pulled that out and watched it collapse flat…. voila. So down the rabbit hole of flat pack packaging design…. I found some inspiration in several spots:

MOLO walls…. drool worthy…. making my own honeycomb walls sound like a major nightmare tho…. I couldn’t find a manufacturer that makes anything similar…. the gluing system would be painstaking and likely would look like a 4 year old made it…. next!

I dug into acoustic design a bit- tiling, foam etc…. I found this as an idea, but I hated the individual shapes and omg those colors, but I was able to take the concept and shift it into something I liked.

The leaning tower of hexes presents a problem though. Obviously it’s thin material and thus not super stable (all of the weight is resting on the thinnest edge possible) so now it’s what type of material, what kind of channel or CNC’d base to lock each hex into place… the angles of the interlocking hexes change when the work is curved, shifted, expanded or contracted…. so what’s the best solution to support them while I dig through all of my ideas…..

First day back for the semester and I have so many things I want to do. Had a great chat w Shona this AM about materiality and prototyping. I think the base is going to be a super important element to get right so the piece is structurally sound. She mentioned just doing one side….. I’m not sure if I’m sold on that concept- it seems far less intimate and private…. There’s something about being held, gently surrounded, enveloped in care that feels really important here. I think one side might feel really exposed…. and I don’t want ppl distracted by other things going on in the space (it will be a very busy space), and want them to feel like its speaking directly TO THEM.
I went to the materials library today and found some interesting things. Several different types of felt. I have remnant samples (hopefully free) coming from Filzfelt (near Buffalo, NY) and I also reached out to an industrial felt company in Wooooooonsocket and asked about remnants as well.
Filzfelt has 3mm, 5mm, 8mm, and 10mm thicknesses. Will be testing 5-10 to see what works. 5mm is the only option with colors, otherwise it’s a dark charcoal which I like but might become a dark monolith……
I also re-examined the idea of tambours…. flexible wood walls that are typically backed with fabric. Have also been thinking about molo walls as an option. They’d be a nightmare to make on my own… and haven’t found a manufacturer of honeycomb paper on such a scale…. but it’s gotta exist, right?

I think the shape of the piece will have to change now that I’m building it modularly. A cantilever will likely not work with system, unless Stephen and I somehow get crafty…
It’s going modular bc I want it to flat pack as an indoor representation of the ethos of the exterior monument…. different iterations, different looks I’m sure, but similar concept.

I also am still thinking about parametric design and how that might work. I mean, what if I just ground/slat 1x3s or something of that scale (probably more like strips of 1/4” plywood) into a base, and then for the cantilever use cross ribs along the top? They could be angled for privacy and trimmed to maintain the shape of the original monument. This would flat pack as well…. though I’m concerned about the base in any of these iterations. Maybe like 1/4” slats at 30-45 degree angles so ppl can only see a sliver inside as they walk around….. just so hard to know what that feels like on the inside. It’s all tests at this point.

Felt tests in flat pack hexs
plywood tests as angled lenticular strands
plywood flat pack hexs
Maybe tambors?
Elongated cardboard Hexes

Documentation

Hi Friends,

It’s been a joy working with you both over the course of the semester. I look forward to sharing the summer’s progress with you in the fall. Below please find images from the spring semester documenting my explorations in design and materials.

A little help from my friends

Last weeks group critiques were so super helpful. Thank you for organizing that. I’ve been struggling with material options for my monument, and Jordan mentioned 3D printed algae and my mind was blown. Of course that’s a thing. I’m attempting to create this “non-violently” and struggling to understand what that means in the context of building a large structure. Using any materials aside from reclaimed items ( and even then…) feels inherently violent. I easily paint myself into corners when it comes to this sort of thing, so I’m attempting to remain open to any and all materials. Mariella, your wonderful and creative suggestion of Tyvec helped me consider new means of transportation and abilities for the project to be mobile. While I don’t think tyvec will be the right material in the end, you cracked my brain open to thinking well beyond the standard exterior materials one thinks of when considering a monument.

Concurrently I am considering the best way to capture and save the crowd-sourced verbal messages that will be playing within the structure. Ive had the domain name OurMonument.org for roughly the a year, it seems now is the time to get it up and running. I am digging in to understand whether I can receive uploads through squarespace or if I can do it through a third party. Somehow linking the page to a new Google drive or maybe even an AWS space? I have to believe audio files aren’t that large. I need to do some tests and see how it goes.

I forgot what it's like (interlude)

About two years ago I was prescribed Ritalin to help counter my incredible inability to concentrate. Maybe its genetic, maybe its from 4 years of having Donald Trump as a president- regardless it made an instant difference. I credit my acceptance to RISD as one of the outcomes of finally having my brain in check.

Then I moved to Providence. I set up an appt with CAPS before school even started so I could find a provider to make sure my medication would not be interrupted. There are laws that prevent providers from outside states to prescribe medication, but were temporarily waived bc of COVID. They gave me a few names and some resources to find someone but the providers I contacted either didn’t take my insurance, or were not taking new patients. Then school started. I was able to attain a 3 month supply from my former psychiatrist back in MI in November. I would look again during Xmas break to find a provider. I had no luck. Fast forward to the middle of February and my supply was running short. I called around to a few more places when I could remember to do it. That’s the not so fun part about ADHD. My mind is an utterly scattered mess- all the time. Think of a teenager’s bedroom. That’s my brain. So remembering to call people while in school just went out the window. Spring break came and I had to move, it didn’t happen then. So by this point I’m 3 months into not having medication that helps me function like a regular human being, execute regular tasks, and maintain a schedule to get things done.

Last week when I should’ve been writing in my journal, organizing and producing things for studio, my ISP or my Design and Politics class, I spent 10 hours calling every doctor in town. I took suggestions from doctors to call other doctors who also weren’t taking new patients. I called hospitals, private practices, and even CAPS for more recommendations. Ten hours over two days to find a doctor who was accepting new patients. Finally, success! I passed her information to an incoming student for fall 2022.

So, all that said (thanks for still being here) my production levels have been subprime from this vantage point. I apologize for the inconsistencies that have presented themselves in my work and writings over the last few weeks. I’m high-functioning, but sometimes tumbling down the rabbit hole is unavoidable, and I just end up spinning circles in my mind thoughtlessly, endlessly, waywardly. I appreciate your patience with my struggles. Who knew it was so difficult to actually get a doctor around here?

A Process dictated by capitalism.......

Prototyping is the fun part.

I get to dream up whatever I want with no regard for feasibility, reality, or price tag. It’s fun but I don’t allow myself to go there very often, which is something I struggle with. It somehow feels like a dangerous space. Knowing that funding dictates a lot of what I create I often see my ideas watered down to fit an organization’s comfort, or to fit a budget that is never enough. School has been a nice respite from the real world of budgeting, grant hustling, and networking. Though I know I’m doing all of that while I’m here- at least I can be distracted from the boring, relentless challenges of being a working artist with my education.

I’ve been questioning my process for several years. I begin with research and spend tons of time reading, exploring, connecting with communities that are affected by the topic. More social research than book research for the most part, but they each have their value. I’ll sit for a few days with some rough parameters of what I need/should/want to create…. and I really only come up with one solution. I know I should be pushing myself in this space, more designs, different approaches, more physical or creative exploration. Maybe I spend too much time researching so the physical making of a thing, or development of an idea always feels rushed. I’ll think of other ideas that I like less, but never put them down on paper or make a mock-up…. That decisiveness is probably good for me and my ADHD, but I also wonder if spending more time in that space would create my joy for me, and more deeply connect me to my practice….

Bridget and I were talking about this the other day, and it seems we both work in this fashion. She tried spending more time in the “exploratory” space of her process and found it super stressful. Am I just dialing it in with this method? Do I owe all the time and effort I put into these large projects more thought, more discomfort of sitting in the unknown? I’m never super satisfied with my creations. There seems to be some weird disconnect between the joy of being an artist and the work I am doing now. Coming from the street art world, it was always about production vs. creation. I had to prep the work always beforehand- to keep the final connection with its world short and sweet so I didn’t get arrested by the NYPD gestapo psychocops. In that sense the installation of the work, how it interacted with its environment, was always rushed- exciting, adrenaline-fueled fun- but rushed and rarely artistic in nature.

I often wrestle with the idea that I am a “creator”…. I feel like I produce ideas I have, more than creating artwork. In my process there’s very little room for exploration and change once I’ve decided on what I’m doing. Maybe that requires bravery that I don’t possess. The few times I’ve attempted to do this I’ve absolutely ruined what I was doing. There’s an element of self-censorship in this process. I can’t deviate from my rules less I ruin something I already began…. maybe I’m not alone in this, but the process feels very rigid, very steeped in capitalism. Who has the time and resources to start over? There are deadlines, expectations, lack of material funds and time, etc. etc. etc….. That feels so tight and restrictive- like a boa constrictor tightening up around my whole body at once.

And I’m imposing this onto myself?

Has it always felt this way? Kinda. I’ve never just made art to make art. It always has to have a purpose, a reason for existing that can make the world a better place, even if just a little bit. Especially with the topics I focus on, there’s an urgency to get the work out in the world. For a long time I was super creatively frozen. When we moved to Detroit my participation in art shows came to a seering halt. If I didn’t have a show to produce for, I wasn’t motivated. It was a pretty gnarly spiral that went deep rather quickly. Part of why I applied to grad schools was to surround myself with creative people again…. and be forced to create work again. It took me a while first semester to allow myself to make again. I know how insane that sounds. I was hoping school would break me down so I could restructure my process…. I’m just not sure I know how to do that.

Two steps forward, One step back on this non-linear path

So I dove deep into designs for the monument. I’ve been doing experiments with the laser cutter to see what designs allow the materials to spiral/twist. I found a great company called Dukta that creates really beautiful flexible wood. The cutouts allow for the material to bend and twist. I’ve made several samples of similar designs on the laser cutter in cardboard- trying to gauge which designs will give me the best structure, and still allow for the twisting of material. I’ve also ordered samples from Dukta to see if any of them make sense for this project in full scale. Their only exterior grade material is teak… so if it’s not sustainably harvested that’s a no go. Considering we don’t have a laser cutter bed bigger than 32x18 I’ll need to outsource the cutting of materials- unless the ID Dept has a full laser cutting bed. How to connect separate boards, how to install the sound elements, and how to connect it to a stabilizing platform are all TBD. I feel like I need to speak with an engineer to make sure this thing doesn’t just fall over.

The other options I’ve been exploring is biomaterials. I just finished a consultation with the Nature Lab regarding different materials that I can potentially make myself. They sent me tons of links to different recipes and sites that offer lots of information. I’m looking forward to doing some tests (what fun) and see which materials hold out better than others in the elements. This will likely happen during spring break or the week after as I’m moving during the break. Apparently I can 3d print biomaterials- potentially in Co-Works or with a ceramics professor Lesley Baker so that could be a potential solution to scaling this thing to size. They also suggested I potentially use clay with a non-toxic glaze so it could eventually biodegrade.

I received some unfortunate news from Deborah Levans, the Director of CAPS on Friday. She originally was completely on board with hosting the healing session for students. After connecting with the art therapist who conducted our first session she became hesitant. Kelley, the therapist, did not put Deborah at ease regarding potential gender issues of our very diverse community here at RISD. CAPS decided it wasn’t the right project for them. We are reconsidering what might make sense for the community. I will be meeting with Deborah and her assistant director in the coming days to explore other ideas. Ultimately the goal is to help support the empowerment and healing of survivors of sexual violence. It turns out, that looks different for every community. I think this was a great thing to have happen early on. Not every group is going to benefit from art therapy; and we may not be able to find an art therapist that understands those groups- so the solution is elsewhere.

We are currently connecting with a facilitator in Newark, NJ who works exclusively with young black women and girls who are survivors of sexual violence. We expect that community to need very different things than the student body here at RISD. Listening and understanding each community’s needs will help direct how we can best implement support and healing for each group. This is not a copy + paste solution. I think I knew that all along, but it’s helpful for a community member to present this issue so listening and understanding becomes the first step of the process, not an afterthought.

My brain has been toiling with what to do for this small, local monument for Kingston NY. I was supposed to present my ideas to the cohort this Sunday, but I’ve had little time to focus on this, and TBH I’m kinda stuck. I was super inspired yesterday by learning more about Rafael Lozano-Hemmer’s work. His public participatory projects use technology in a profound way to create connections that were not there before. Particularly “Remote Pulse” was incredibly moving. His ability to connect people, strangers, to one another in such a simple way that reminds us of the other’s humanity is profound.

I like the idea of connecting different communities of survivors with whom I’ve worked as a potential direction for this monument. Of course I would need to do both the Providence and the Kingston monuments at once. Perhaps there is a way for people to leave verbal messages to survivors in one city and have the other city receive them. Multi-channel speakers surround someone and they are bathed with supportive messages. All messages submitted would obviously be reviewed before being transferred to the other site. I’ve also thought of people being able to submit statements online, but that feels less intimate.

I’m looking at Lozano-Hemmer’s piece Speaking Willow, a sound sculpture, that is somewhat like a sound bath. I created a sound bath in my Max class as my final project, so I think I have the technical know-how to begin….

I want the piece to envelop someone, like an embrace, like the softest, fluffiest blanket. Being bathed with love from strangers. While the intended audience is survivors, anyone can interact with the piece. Now what does it look like? How it’s designed will inform how people interact with it. As a public artist I know I cannot control HOW people interact with my work, but I can design the space to be intuitive and also serene so the experience is fluid, positive, and accessible. How many languages? How do I program for that?

Please stop me if someone has done this before! If you can think of artists who have done similar work, also please share. I immediately think of The Portals project by Shared Studios. While I absolutely love their concept and I think it created profound emotions in it’s participants- the physical design of my work needs to feel more open, accessible, and doesn’t need to be sound proof like these do. They also commodified the project, which I guess you gotta do sometimes.

..and so it begins

I feel like I hit the ground running before winter session even started. I’ve been coordinating and organizing the creative brainstorming session with our first cohort of the Our Monument project since early November. The first cohort originally gathered in Esopus, NY in late July of 2021. A 2.5 day creative healing session sparked new beginnings and more healing for several of the 7 members of the cohort. Fast forward to January 2022 and we were able to host 3 zoom calls with several of the participants to reflect on how the creative healing session impacted them. We also spent an entire call discussing their visions for a world free from sexual violence. Their visions and thoughts were profound. Through digital collage, each of them walked us through their hopes for this future we are building together. Here are some of the images that felt profound to me.

So from these discussions and art works I am learning what the cohort needs in this future. Their final assignment was to create something out of modeling clay that they believe needs to be part of the national (final) monument. From those sculptures I will also draw inspiration for the local monument I am currently developing for the cohort. It will live in Kingston, NY for a time and then move to it’s permanent location River Hill Art Residency where we held the initial healing session.

I need to think in ways I can see and return to. Typing things into documents in computers just gets lost with my ADD brain so I’ve written out some of the items I’m focusing on during my research phase. I’ve also included a word I created (part of our Theory & Research homework) to put a name to something I hope can exist in my lifetime.

Much of what I took away (I’m still processing a lot of it) is that a future without sexual violence is a future without other types of violence. In order to be part of the change that makes this possible, the monument itself cannot cause harm. A negative carbon footprint feels important to me. Design that integrates with nature keeps coming to the surface. If you have any suggestions of work to look at I would very much appreciate it!

Can the monument’s mere existence support the prevention of sexual violence? Is there a way to convey understandings around consent with the work itself?

In terms of design- I’d like it to be kinetic in some way- whether in response to the elements a la Ned Khan, interactive in a meaningful way I feel like a static object does not represent the change I seek. I’m also considering light as a medium. I am going against my nature and not thinking of design/material constraints off the bat. It’s easy and safe to think small- nothing about this endeavor is easy or safe. It behooves me to think big from the get. If the national monument will be what I hope it will be then each local monument also needs to be bold, unique, and catastrophic to the current expectation of what a monument is.

I know in the past we have disagreed (Mariella) regarding the need for monuments. I am grateful for the readings you sent me. They helped me see your perspective. The Monument Lab organization and its goals may help you understand mine.

Thank you for requiring this space for reflection. I know I should always be writing about my work- this is an excellent way to get and stay in the habit. Until next time!