Prototyping is the fun part.
I get to dream up whatever I want with no regard for feasibility, reality, or price tag. It’s fun but I don’t allow myself to go there very often, which is something I struggle with. It somehow feels like a dangerous space. Knowing that funding dictates a lot of what I create I often see my ideas watered down to fit an organization’s comfort, or to fit a budget that is never enough. School has been a nice respite from the real world of budgeting, grant hustling, and networking. Though I know I’m doing all of that while I’m here- at least I can be distracted from the boring, relentless challenges of being a working artist with my education.
I’ve been questioning my process for several years. I begin with research and spend tons of time reading, exploring, connecting with communities that are affected by the topic. More social research than book research for the most part, but they each have their value. I’ll sit for a few days with some rough parameters of what I need/should/want to create…. and I really only come up with one solution. I know I should be pushing myself in this space, more designs, different approaches, more physical or creative exploration. Maybe I spend too much time researching so the physical making of a thing, or development of an idea always feels rushed. I’ll think of other ideas that I like less, but never put them down on paper or make a mock-up…. That decisiveness is probably good for me and my ADHD, but I also wonder if spending more time in that space would create my joy for me, and more deeply connect me to my practice….
Bridget and I were talking about this the other day, and it seems we both work in this fashion. She tried spending more time in the “exploratory” space of her process and found it super stressful. Am I just dialing it in with this method? Do I owe all the time and effort I put into these large projects more thought, more discomfort of sitting in the unknown? I’m never super satisfied with my creations. There seems to be some weird disconnect between the joy of being an artist and the work I am doing now. Coming from the street art world, it was always about production vs. creation. I had to prep the work always beforehand- to keep the final connection with its world short and sweet so I didn’t get arrested by the NYPD gestapo psychocops. In that sense the installation of the work, how it interacted with its environment, was always rushed- exciting, adrenaline-fueled fun- but rushed and rarely artistic in nature.
I often wrestle with the idea that I am a “creator”…. I feel like I produce ideas I have, more than creating artwork. In my process there’s very little room for exploration and change once I’ve decided on what I’m doing. Maybe that requires bravery that I don’t possess. The few times I’ve attempted to do this I’ve absolutely ruined what I was doing. There’s an element of self-censorship in this process. I can’t deviate from my rules less I ruin something I already began…. maybe I’m not alone in this, but the process feels very rigid, very steeped in capitalism. Who has the time and resources to start over? There are deadlines, expectations, lack of material funds and time, etc. etc. etc….. That feels so tight and restrictive- like a boa constrictor tightening up around my whole body at once.
And I’m imposing this onto myself?
Has it always felt this way? Kinda. I’ve never just made art to make art. It always has to have a purpose, a reason for existing that can make the world a better place, even if just a little bit. Especially with the topics I focus on, there’s an urgency to get the work out in the world. For a long time I was super creatively frozen. When we moved to Detroit my participation in art shows came to a seering halt. If I didn’t have a show to produce for, I wasn’t motivated. It was a pretty gnarly spiral that went deep rather quickly. Part of why I applied to grad schools was to surround myself with creative people again…. and be forced to create work again. It took me a while first semester to allow myself to make again. I know how insane that sounds. I was hoping school would break me down so I could restructure my process…. I’m just not sure I know how to do that.